Today is December 18th, 2017. One week away from Christmas. And as I am writing this, I am sitting in bed, eating a half gallon of cheap vanilla ice cream I picked up at the corner gas station and thinking about loneliness. I realize that most of the time, I feel alone. When I’m at work serving coffee to a shop full of customers, when I am lying in bed with my significant other or when I am at an AA meeting listening to the speaker share their heartfelt story. I have begun to believe that it is a personality trait I possess and that I will never get away from. I feel as though it is like a shadow, following my every move. Even when the clouds keep the sun at bay, I know it’s there, hunting me, waiting to pounce. I have tried to lean on other people, mostly the men I am in relationships with. I tend to become codependent and suddenly, my once single, balanced life, has been turned upside down and smashed to smithereens. By the time I realize what is happening, I have only fragments of my once peaceful life. I end up packing them in a bag and I run off to the next destination where I can try and become balanced once more.
So, why do some of us have this constant feeling loneliness? And, is it just some of us, or all of us? A lot of it has to do with the mental illnesses I suffer from, and I understand that, but this was actually a subject we read about in my Thursday night meeting. The book we read from is called, “Living Sober,” and the chapter we discussed was about loneliness and how it can creep up on you and before you know it, you have a bottle in your hand, your drug dealer on the phone or the pills down your throat. I believe this emotion is one that has taken many out of the sober game and threw them back into the life of using. We all feel this sense of loneliness at some points of our life, what can we do to fix it – or better yet, what can I do to fix it? I may not be able to talk on behalf of others, but I can talk on behalf of myself.
Now, I realize that eating a half pint of vanilla ice cream is probably one of the last things I should do when I feel alone. Comforting myself with food is a cycle I don’t want to get stuck in again. So I can see that as a sign, I am feeling emotions I am trying to stuff down, and I need to stop. I need to let them out. So, what are these emotions? Well, there is a lot of confusion about my relationship, a lot of self – hate, isolation and fear going on. Feelings that keep me up at night and make me wonder if I should be locked away somewhere. But, it is simple. I need to let go of my loneliness without igniting my codependency. Actually, I’m not going to lie. My codependency has been flaming red hot since I got into this relationship. Here are some steps I want to try out in order to calm both down without irritating either.
I need to gain more independence from my significant other. Whether this means going to some meetings without him (because we always go together) going to the gym in the morning instead of a coffee shop with him and finding out what I love in life rather than just living my life loving him. I want to feel liberated when I am on my own. I want to feel strong and independent. Instead, I feel like a tiny child, lost in a grocery store, terrified she has been left behind by her parents. It sounds like I have some separation anxiety that I need to address right away. I can start this step as early as tomorrow and report back on how I did. I think reporting back to my blog will help me stay on track, and maybe give someone else the courage to take these tiny steps with me.
I have a whole list of things I would like to do in some of my older posts. I keep going through them in my mind, replaying what life would be like if I began to travel to far off places, or practiced Yoga. How exciting it would be to go after my dreams with fierce determination and conviction instead of concentrating on my significant other’s dreams in fear of following mine would lead me to be a lonely, failure. I look at it like this, I feel like a lonely failure already, the only difference with this path is that I would have tried to accomplish what I want to accomplish, and that, in itself, would be a great feeling.