I awoke this morning, having just dreamt a wonderful dream, and felt calm, happy. Went to a meeting and felt I heard what I needed to hear.
I realize that I have this imaginary idea of what my life looks like now. I look at him and feel such deep embarrassment in my soul. I have fallen for it yet again. And this time it is so much worse because he has a child I have fallen in love with too. How selfish I think he is. I am not even a thought to him when he is angry or tired or hungry or happy, what fucking ever else he can be.
I had an idea about this post before the shit hit the fan. I had the idea of discussing the beautiful quote from “Dante’s Inferno,” which, as I am looking it up, belongs to John Milton from “Paradise Lost.” Anyways, his quote goes like this –
“The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven.”
However, My partner became upset with me and now I cannot see because of the hate and confusion But I find that this quote is important. How true it is that our minds can begin haunting us with negative thoughts, lies and fears. How I have been such a sober drunk, thinking and believing these negative thoughts. I realized that I have been thinking about the negatives and not the positives. I have been surrounding myself with negativity and I need to begin to let go of this negativity. I believe that my partner is one of the main sources of negativity that I need to let go of. I am not quite sure how to let go of him, I have never been very good at letting go of already failed relationships and I know that I have parts in this relationship failing as well. I have not been that easy to be around, I have been resentful, very insecure and fearful, but I don’t believe that gives anyone reason to treat someone so badly. TO yell at them as if they were your child, and when you approach them and try to talk to them about it, they deny it and put it back on you. “You are acting like a victim again,” he says. Of course, I am. Of course.
Today’s post is a bit of a rant. I hope that if anyone out there is struggling with this kind of relationship, that they can let go easier than I can. I know that it will hurt for a while, but it would be so worth it.
I am conversing with a friend who is in a similar situation and I remember thinking, when she would tell me the stories about the arguments they had, that all she had to do was leave him and everything would be solved. Now that I am in a similar situation, and because we live in a small town, I get so anxious and scared when I think of leaving him. I know that I should, but it is fucking hard! So maybe there is another way. I can slowly detach myself from him, do my own thing and maybe even fall for the mysterious man in AA who probably hates my guts right now. I mean, how fucked am I
“Oh, I know! Let’s detach ourselves from one asshole to fall for another, that’s a FANTASTIC idea!
So, here is my plan for detaching myself from him which will also benefit me in starting my list of things I want to accomplish while being sober. I can, one, go to different meetings. That would be helpful! I can write a lot more at coffee bars and maybe meet up with other people there. I can’t grow anything in my “not-yet-built” garden as it is winter, and snow will be coming at any time, but I can get some books on it and read on it. Wow,.. I suddenly don’t feel so enthused to do any of this stuff. All I want to do is crawl in bed and watch a romantic comedy while crying into a carton of ice cream.
“The mind is its own place and, can make a heaven of hell and a hell of heaven.” Let’s make my mind a heaven of hell. Because my mind is hell, but I am ready to change this. I am ready to make minor changes to begin making my hell of a mind into a sweet, blissful heaven.
So, what will I do immediately? God, follow around my partner like a hurt little dog whimpering, “please love me…please.” No, not today. I have no fucking idea what I will do after writing this blog. The worst part, which I haven’t talked about yet, is that I called my mother to see if I was overreacting about the whole shit fest that happened this morning. She calmly asked me how long I was going to put up with this and that if I didn’t leave him today, that she would not talk to me.
Oh fuck. She is calling me right now.
Why did I call her? Why did I reach out to my mother of all people? Well, because I don’t have that big of a social circle, but that is still no excuse!
Right now, the main feeling is that I am fucked, and I know what to do and I WANT to do it, but I am afraid. And it’s the holiday season. This should not be happening during the holiday season.
If only someone had warned me about him…. I would have never entertained the idea. But I did.