Working through sobriety is like working on a crossword puzzle, you swear you know what goes down column 2, but you just cannot remember the word. This is my experience with sobriety at least. I have moments where I swear I understand it all and it suddenly just hits me, I don’t have a fucking clue. For example, when I got sober the third time around, everything was pretty damn peachy I had a good job and was offered an even BETTER paying job. I had a great relationship with my boyfriend and his ADORABLE little boy. I was going to meetings, working on my savings account and feeling unsure, but at the same time, good. However, about 2 months into sobriety, I was laid off from my job, my relationship seemed to be going downhill, health troubles were creeping up and I was all out of money. I had no idea what to do, and honestly, I still don’t. After a month of living in poverty and relying on my unstable relationship to fund my living expenses, I was able to find a job working at a coffee shop, which I love, but point of this post is that I really thought that when I was sober, life would go merrily along. I remember listening in the speaker meetings to people talk about how their life suddenly got better and all I could see with mine was that this was not the case. And I know the program doesn’t promise this, but when you are listening to people talk about how miraculous the program is repeatedly, you expect the same results. It’s like going on a whole grain, fresh fruit and veggies diet and then realizing you have a gluten intolerance. What the fuck?
So, what I really want to emphasize in this post is that sobriety can suck. Just because you are sober, doesn’t mean that life troubles are going to disappear, or that opportunities will appear, at least suddenly. Life may suck for a while. It may be fucking unbearable. But you know what? You’re sober. And as annoying as it may sound, this is all that we are after. We aren’t after the miracles or the promises of others, we are here to get and stay sober. And that is what I forgot. I got sober and was waiting for the miracles to happen. I was waiting on what I thought I deserved for getting sober and this isn’t working the 12 steps, nor is it the message AA gives.
So, I will continue to go through the hardships, to feel pain, to understand (or not understand) loss – sober. This is the gift AA gives me. This is what I truly because if I do not hold onto my sobriety, then I have nothing but a drunk.
Through sobriety, I hit my lowest “sobriety” bottom. I lost a job, but I gained a new one that I love EVEN MORE! It gives me time to go to school, to write, to exercise, to live my life and not be ruled by a 9-5 job! Also, I reached out to family and my grandfather lent me money to get me through this tough spot. Because of him, I was able to turn my phone back on, get groceries, buy uniforms for my new job and get gas! I don’t know if there was ever someone happier to get gas in New Mexico!
And, now that life is getting a little steadier (still out on the relationship) I have time to truly find out who I am and what I love to do, I mean, what else could I have asked for?
On my new sobriety To-Do list!!
- Plant a beautiful, delicious garden
- Write, write, write, write, write!
- Take as many classes as possible
- Learn to cook
- Make more friends in sobriety
- Get through all 12 steps with sponsor
- Travel (if I can manage to get on a plane!)
- Get my health in check
- Read, read, read, read
- And more will show up through sobriety!
The main thing is staying sober, even through the tough times, because it is worth it. And if you feel like drinking or using, remember, you are not alone. I am here! And I can always use more friends! 😊