One of the worst actions I feel like you can do in AA is to, putting it in lay man’s terms, dump a sponsor and quickly begin dating another. Now, this is exactly what I did. There was nothing wrong with my first sponsor, she is kind, brilliant and patient. She is a writer, like myself, and we have a lot in common. But, like relationships, if there isn’t that connection, then who are you helping? Now, maybe everyone doesn’t need a “connection” with their sponsor, but I did. And I felt it instantly with her. There were times I would call her first when I was having a hard time and that was a sign for me that maybe I was working with the wrong person.
We went out to lunch yesterday and she laid down some much-needed ground rules. I would go to a meeting every day, pick up the service commitment I have been hiding from since day one. I feel like 6 months is a long commitment to give to something, I mean where will I be in 6 months? I don’t know! She also wanted me to start making friends with people in AA outside of Art. Now, many of you may know that this is how Art and I met and, although our love affair is tremulous, I absolutely adore this man. He is quite a few years older than me, and the best part of him is that he has a beautiful son that lights up every room he walks into. But he has held me back in some ways, through no fault of his own. I had turned this man into my higher power. Art wasn’t blind to this, although I denied it when he confronted me with this thought. But my sponsor was not having it. And, honestly, I have always been so codependent on my boyfriends, I haven’t made a friend for myself in years.. I don’t even know if I know how to go about making new friends. I mean, what does that type of conversation look like?
Me: Yea, um.. Hi, How are you doing tonight?
AA person: fine thank you, how are you?
Me: oh, you know, sober!
Cue in nervous laugh and then the awkward silence that always follows me in these kinds of encounters.
My sponsor did tell me, through my overuse of the phrase, “I’m awkward,” that we are all awkward in AA. It is an awkward kind of situation.
And that’s true. I look at us and see that we are sharing our deepest, darkest secrets with each other. We say things in our shares that we normally wouldn’t share with people we have just met. And then after the meeting, we go outside, into the “light” and we see each other for what we are, scars, bottles and all. We have torn down that defense shield we carry so high when we are out in public. That fake persona we can so easily hide behind.
So, I listened to her. I went to an AA meeting last night and put myself out there a little more than I usually do. I let myself shine a little more than usual. I laughed more when I thought something was funny, rather than being afraid that my laugh sounded like Beeves or Butthead (I forget which one) I laughed. I enjoyed myself. Feeling the warmth of being around others who suffer from the same disease I suffer from.
I enjoyed myself and didn’t think about all the reasons that people may not like what I am sharing or how idiotic I sounded. I just shared.
Something else I am having difficulty with is my relationship with Art. I find that I am not getting what I want or need out of the relationship. This scares me because I love him so much, but obviously something needs to change. And what is even scarier is my codependence. My fear of being alone. There is this other man that has peaked my attention. He hasn’t hit on me or even really said anything to me, but I have an interest in him and I am wondering why. Why him? He isn’t the most attractive, nor is he what I feel like I want overall, but hey, how would I know? I barely talk to the guy.
It has taken me three days to write this post. I am sick and haven’t had a lot of energy to write after work. Thank you for reading my sick – all over the place thoughts.